Satire: Let’s create Police Celebrity Handbag Carrying Unit 

In exactly 14 days, it will be 2023. Just yesterday, there were some Bots going around saying things that can embarrass embarrassment. They were getting all constricted like a python finishing off a bloated antelope just because a scantily-dressed public calamity had her handbag held by a police officer.

These people said all sorts of bad things on social media about the little girl but because this is December, I won’t go after them. Instead, we can all make 2023 a better year to live by advocating for a new police unit to serve our increasingly robust society.
The Uganda Police Force is good, the best in Africa if you asked me. Enanga’s institution actually has so many departments or units, and uniforms that adding one more in 2023 will only help show how professional they have become.

Recent events have shown the need to urgently create the Police Celebrity Handbag Carrying Unit of the Uganda Police Force. Well, it’s a mouthful so let’s just turn to acronyms like the French like doing. We will call it Pochacu.
We all agree that it’s such a terrible thing for a police officer to be turned into a handbag carrier for public calamities they are tasked with guarding. But we also know that doing so is one great way to get away with crime, like smuggling narcotics and other substances into public places.
If I was a drug dealer with powder to sell freely, I would simply pay to have a police officer as my guard then make them carry the white powder around as I distribute for addicts to sniff. Nobody would suspect me.

And since the cops are there for buying – how do you think that girl got three cops guarding her, because her dad shouts around that he is a Genero’s strategist? – then it’s like an investment to pay to have a police officer guard you.
However, that does not take away the level of embarrassment when you see someone in uniform paid for by you, me and our mothers reduced to carrying handbags.
Instead, to avoid all this, we can have a new unit in the Force. They will wear pink uniforms and go around carrying handbags of public calamities, the chaps you erroneously hog in our face as celebs.
The best gift for 2023 is to have Pochacu in service by January 1 and Enanga doesn’t need to pay for this 13th cheque of an idea from me – it’s wholly pro bono.

The other day, I went and met Enanga in my imagination. Very affable man, Enanga. I said to him, “Afande, why do you deploy officers to carry handbags like that? It’s not within the mandate of the UPF and it’s also below their dignity.”
Enanga simply said to me “hmmm!” and looked away. It took me a while to realise that he was sighing. And deeply at that. Then I just stood there and Enanga, always a perceptive man, saw that I needed to hear more from him.
“But what do you expect me to do?” he started saying.
“These officers are very honest. They don’t want to earn without working. So they come to me and say, ‘Afande, give us work.’ Sometimes I ask them to jump on patrol pickups and move around, that is why those pickups are always having many cops at the back.”

By this point my mouth was wide open. He told me to close it and use my brain. I did. Immediately I did, I saw the reality. There is no crime now. Besigye has stopped jumping around and Bobi Wine does his things on social media. So the bulk of the cops who were used to being busy chasing after Besigye are just idle.
As you well know, an idle mind is the devil’s workshop. We would rather have a Pochacu unit carrying handbags for every vixen who can pay than read reports of officers involved in robbery. 
Let’s get the Police Celebrity Handbag Carrying Unit up and running in earnest.

Disclaimer: This is a parody column