Mpuuga flies to Ukraine to meet Putin over Bobi

Mpuuga flew to Ukraine to meet Putin. Sure, everyone thinks Putin is in Russia but Mpuuga knows better. You see, Putin is a former KGB spy. So he knows how to be in two places at the same time while not being in either place at all. 

It’s a feat he learnt while with the KGB, which stands for Komitet Gosudarstvennoy Bezopasnosti (Committee for State Security). You see, security required him to never reveal where he was. And according to impeccable sources, his hair behaves the same way. 

That is why he looks pie-bald, yet he actually has a comb-over like Donald Trump.  His powerfully flowing hair, for security reasons, is thus hiding. Just in case you ever wish to trim his powers. 

On the flight over to Russia, Mpuuga began polishing up on his Russian. Quickly, he learnt that “da” means “yes” and Nyet means “No.” 

The air hostess on PJSC Aeroflot – Russian Airlines, commonly known as Aeroflot, asked if he wanted a drink.

“I am thirsty,” he replied before remembering to speak the Russian he just learnt. And he promptly added, “So, Da.”

“Which soda, sir?” the hostess asked. 

“I didn’t say ‘soda’, I said ‘yes’.” Mpuuga clarified. 

“Yes to what?” she replied. 

“I said yes to a drink. So, Da…give me one,” Mpuuga insisted. 

“Maybe I should just bring Wine?” the airhostess replied, completely at a loss.

“Where is he?” Mpuuga asked, sitting bolt upright suddenly. 

“Where is who?” the airhostess responded.

“Wine? Is Wine on this flight?” Mpuuga, now alarmed, wondered aloud. 

“Yes, we have Wine on board!” the airhostess replied, with all the emphasis she could muster. 

Mpuuga was now confused. How did Bobi know he was on this flight? Was he also flying to Ukraine to meet Putin?

It certainly stood to reason. That’s because Putin was possibly the only man alive who could invade a sovereign nation and get away with it. 

This is why Mpuuga wanted to meet the Russian potentate, he needed him to invade Uganda and use his spy contacts to locate where Bobi’s friendship towards him had gone. 

The two men, Mpuuga and Bobi, have in recent weeks fallen out, and only Vladimir could “Put In” a good word for Mpuuga once he found Bobi. 

Sure, there was the small matter of the Shs500 million Mpuuga was given as a “service award”. But that should not stand in the way of their comradeship. 

After all, Mpuuga recalled the days he was in university and had to buy “service fee” in order to simply use his phone.  Besides that, ever since he changed his hair, his colleagues were saying that he looked like a “campuser” again. 

Not to ‘dye’ in his own movie; he accordingly decided it was only right to be awarded for the lengths he went in order to make calls while on campus. 

As Mpuuga’s plane touched down in Ukraine, the mayor of Kyiv, who is 2.01 metres tall, met him on the runway.   The two men then sat down to talk.

Mpuuga then asked to look under every bed in Kyiv, hoping against hope that Bobi, who the airhostess had told him was also around, would not find him first.  That is because if Bobi found the bald-headed Putin first, he might ask him to help him invade Mpuuga’s constituency to retrieve some follicles since Mpuuga was clearly in a hairy situation. However, Putin and Bobi were nowhere to be seen. Unless, of course, Mpuuga got back on the plane and asked the airhostess to give him a glass, then “Put In Wine”. 

After a day, he booked a flight back to Kampala and wondered how he could solve this impasse between Bobi and him. Money should not come between men of power, unless that money was used to power those men towards “removing a dictator”.

There was a chance. The newspapers kept calling this a lover’s tiff, after all. Some papers even still called him Bobi’s Leader of Opposition. 

To which he said to this made up story, “No. I am his ex.”

Disclaimer: This is a parody column