Satire: World Bank jokers don’t know we're full of loan sharks

Just when we were getting used to the Forum for Dangerous Comedy (FDC) officially taking over the national theatre, the World Bank has struck. Jesus! Who knew wazungu can have such a level of premature envy?

How can chaps sitting in New York come to compete with Mafabi and POA in the grand scheme of money, politics and comedy? Yes, it is a bank and banks deal in money, just like the FDC, but must it come to this?

I really haha-d this bank so much that my wife had to use a vernier caliper to support my ribs because they were shaking like a posho mill. These chaps must be suffering from the suited global warming syndrome.

You can’t come to Uganda and say you are stopping all loans and funding as if you don’t know that the loan sector is currently the most lucrative in the country after that of Opposition politics. The other day I received a text from an unregistered number. It read: “It’s been hard reaching out to Mbago. Kindly remind him on 0702 [blah blah] to pay the loan which is due today. Get to us on 0742999918.”

The only Mbago I know is a hoe. And I haven’t used one in a while. How these guys even got my contact…

I was still farting anger dust over their temerity when I received WhatsApp messages from another number reminding me that Mbago owed them 40k. Yes, I went to school with weirdly-named chaps such as Kunya, Alideki and Kafuuko but certainly not Mbago.

The World Bank might not be aware of this but we are a country full of loan sharks. Every passing day, a random Ugandan receives spam text messages from five or so quick money lenders offering collateral-free cash.

And the World Bank chaps think they can blackmail us with their colourful string of loans? These guys have clearly upstaged FDC now. Do they know that we went to Luweero jungles and defeated Amin and Obote with just 27 guns?

Did the World Bank lend us the money for buying Russian Babies and gnut seeds (bullets)? They were not there to offer loans for our Kadogos aged 12 or so to have a steady supply of ‘sigara kali’ to keep warm in the bush and now they behave like their loan is our livelihood.

In 1986, Uganda was not known to the World Bank but now we have grown big and they got to know us, they should be humble. 

Someone needs to remind the World Bank chaps that ours is a country developed by promises. The Spotted One just needs to say Uganda will be more developed than Singapore by 2015 and the newspapers will print that.

We have long been told Uganda will be heaven and we are content with that. Can the World Bank develop any other country into a heavenly status like the Uganda Gen KK prophesied?

As far as Ugandans are concerned, the World Bank could be broke and just looking for excuses to delay payment of salaries to its staff.

They think Uganda runs on their loan when we know that at the next election, there will be more money flowing here than the River Nile waters. And even if we didn’t go that way, if we really need money, we have many loan sharks to turn to.

By the way, there was a plan to print our own money from Katwe here, how far has Bank of Uganda gone with that? We need the machines rolling immediately. We can print enough money to make the World Bank borrow from us.

Like the good old Ota would say, tumechoka na watumbavu!

*Disclaimer: This is a parody column