Uganda wins Guinness World Record for longest funeral

At least 37 staff of the Guinness World Records have since passed on while on deployment in Uganda to record what the reference book says is the longest funeral ever held. 
Mr Oh Aganda died in 1986, the records book says.
“The funeral has been going on since,” Guinness World Records says.
“We’ve been sending staffers to record the burial but nothing is happening. The relatives prefer to keep up with the elaborate funeral where a few eat, many mourn and many more watch on in despair.”

The Guinness World Records is a reference book published annually, listing world records both of human achievements and the extremes of the natural world. The Book – as we will call it from here on – says that after Mr Oh Aganda went into cardiac arrest in 1986, a group of men addressed the world and announced that Aganda was in a stable condition.
“They said they would restore Mr Oh Aganda but the truth is that he had breathed his last that day,” the Book said.
After some 10 or so years, the Book learnt that a funeral had been ongoing for years. On dispatching recorders to ascertain, it was discovered that the pallbearers moved around rolling the casket “here and there”.

The pall bearers served themselves great meals that revised the rug-tag appearance they had been seen in when they first announced the condition of Mr Oh Aganda.
“It was always sautéed chicken and they grew fat in no time, which was probably a great thing to do if they were going to keep carrying that casket around for all of 37 years,” the Book said.
“Fearing contaminated water, the pall bearers extracted tears from the mourners that they gulped with relish.
Health science shows that tears are the cleanest liquids known to nature. They are cleaner than dew regardless of whether it was tears from a mourner or from someone bleeding. 

Mr Cliff McArthur, the director of the Guinness World Records, said that analysis of the patterns of the elaborate funeral showed that the pallbearers were always thirsty.
“They started running out of tears from the mourners who appeared to have gotten used to their apathy and were laughing at their own absurd situation rather than cry,” he said.
“So the pall bearers tasked their associates to use meat cleavers, flat iron and whatever else they could to ensure that the mourners wept properly for more tears to be extracted for quenching the thirst.”
Made up information available to this writer shows that the current group of pall bearers intends to pass over the casket to their young ones who have since come of age.

Tired of waiting to record when the coffin is lowered into the grave, Mr McArthur said the Guinness World Records had given up. Instead, they have declared the funeral of Mr Oh Aganda as the longest ever held.
“We know the date of death but for the date of burial, we’ve agreed to just put three little dots and when it finally happens, we will edit the record,” he added.
A certificate was issued by the Book for the feat but efforts to confirm who was keeping it have been futile.

However, a spokesperson for the pallbearers said the Guinness World Records were putting their cart ahead of the horse.
“Why are they in a hurry? Go and tell that Makasa guy who told you that nonsense that we are just getting started,” the mouthpiece said before laughing out loud at his own calling of McArthur as Makasa.
Meanwhile, a drone that goes around extracting tears for the pallbearers has just zoomed past. That’s a reminder that making up stories like this…

Disclaimer: This is a parody column