Liz Truss, what do you mean you are leaving after 45 days?

Dear Liz Truss,

We are in receipt of your letter of resignation dated October 20, 2022, and I am pleased to inform you with mindless attention that we reject it.

You are welcome to disagree with us, question us, and twirl around the idea but you will firmly remain in the seat as the Prime Minister of those great United Kingdoms. You will execute your duties with abundant care and diligence bringing no further shame to the league of autocrats, which, if you hadn’t figured out by now, I represent.

First of all, 45 days is merely the stretch of time from elections to the swearing-in. It is the time to tour the backyards of your enemies writing down lists of those who disagreed with you in the elections. It is the time to receive large entourages beckoning for appointments into lucrative civil service positions. 45 days is merely the time for the police and army band to practice what songs to play on the swearing-in day and who to march in what line.

In 45 days, the people haggling over who should supply the food for the swearing-in day are only just starting, some may be your nephews and nieces that will need a little push. 45 days is merely the time to go cover to cover on the constitution and see what rules to tinker with, mostly those that limit how long you can be in office.

I don’t know if you see things the way we see them but those voices in the party that disagree with you, yes, those ones, what is the size of your prisons? Do you not have a loyal cadre to float around a law that can catch them all? You can call it anything – Conservative Reform Law or if you run out of ideas just call it the computer misuse act. You will catch all of them.

But what do you mean you are leaving after 45 days? Have you sent in the army and police to surround the parliament? Have you asked them to beat and arrest those in the house that disagree with you? Surely, you can say they are angry and violent, surely, you can switch off those BBC’s, Sun, Daily Mail and all.

Have you explored calling a caucus of all conservatives to remind them of the ideological orientation of the party? You haven’t? Not even asked Mi6 to prepare reports on which ones are indebted and to whom? Okay, tell us that at least you have asked the Governor of the Bank of England to send you a sack of money to dish out to the stubborn ones.

How reckless!

But also what do you mean your budget doesn’t work? Shelve it, and get another one. The development program doesn’t work? Blame the ministers, blame the civil servants, blame the soil, blame the weather, blame everything except yourself. If all else fails, schedule intermittent state addresses and drive the point home through a meander of history laced with some directives!

But also Liz, look, you have two children, one of them could inherit this thing – leaving after 45 days isn’t being responsible. First, groom them, take them to prestigious military schools, give them ranks, pull them in as advisors, and make the world under their feet worship them. These, after all, are the visionary and dedicated.

Liz, I’m labouring all these points to say, we don’t accept your resignation. Try again, try harder.

Yours,

The Association Of Old Autocrats.