Why I’m starting a church
That Congolese man, Alph Lukau, has raised the bar way too high. Only Jesus is recorded as having died on Friday and resurrected on Sunday. But Lukau made a boda boda operator called Brighton Moyo from Zimbabwe do exactly the same.
Only differences are that while Jesus came out of the tomb doors sending rocks crushing the guards, this one had to exorcise even the ghosts of doubts by resurrecting right there before the congregation and live camera feeds.
The idea that Christ resurrected was doubted by his own disciples. He had to appear before them to confirm. Aware of this, Alph Lukau made Moyo come from the dead right there. God must have been in awe at being beaten to His own game with Christ. God must have also realised that while He made a woman the first to meet a risen Jesus, Lukau gave that gift to
Basically, Judas accepted pieces of silver to be part of the betrayal miracle on Jesus, and this Moyo guy simply accepted a plate of food.
Now, as a staunch believer, I’ve decided to accept Pastor Lukau’s invitation challenge and will start a church in Kakira that will gain global prominence. Forget the genetically modified miracles that Mboro, Bushiri, Kanyari and the other wine guy have been treating the people to. Mine will be real organic miracles.
While meditating after watching the video of Lukau’s miracle challenge, I conclude that these guys are not creative. They go around imitating others when they should be doing something fresher. A good miracle worth celebrating should resonate with everyday situations.
For instance, we know that this other man suffers from a peculiar genetic disorder that has him slapping people to keep the oxygen supply to his brain stable. Doctors say if he didn’t slap someone for a week, he would suffer seizures and die. So when his wife or shamba boy or maids are not around, he cures himself by doing things to just anyone.
Now, at my church, we will make him slap someone big. I’m aware that the majority of Ugandans are tired of being reminded of 1986 so we will invoke the powers of the spirits to keep our man around the one who likes saying “in 1986”. Every time he utters that nonsense, our man will slap him hard.
What is a better miracle than that? Ugandans want to move on. Let’s only hear about the good roads today and not how bad they were before Apostle Seaman was born. Nobody will ever live in 1986 again. And Amin and Obote will never come back.
At my church, we won’t need resurrection things. We will ensure that this slapping syndrome man, when he whacks you, you don’t age. You don’t die. There are people who have been going to their baptismal church to check records of when they were supposedly born. Such hustle to just try to revise your age by a few?
Can you imagine even in local sport, guys born in the year of the swine claim they are still 22? We don’t need false claims. At my church, we won’t trade in lies. We will ensure that special persons who are needed for certain deeds remain at the age we perform miracles on them.
I rue why I didn’t think of opening a church as a full-time business. This government has taught us entrepreneurship and we Ugandans are the most entrepreneurial people in the world, not because of starting artificial milk but for the many kibanda churches doing brisk businesses around.
Had I opened a church earlier, the Constitution would be intact. There was no need to scrap age limit when, with our deliverance and miracles, someone would remain tied on the same age for years.
Meanwhile, my church will also perform a miracle for people told to report others to God so that we make them speak to God in real life and report.
