NAM delegate narrowly survives arrest

Don Quixote is a knight errant out to make himself the greatest among all. I said, why not become Uganda’s freshest knight errant? Why not become a NAM delegate this week?

First, I bumped into Adonia Ayebare at a café around Kamwokya. I noticed him, he noticed me, and I instantly guessed he had qualified me as a delegate. I was going to represent Nkokonjeru, Mityana and Naalya. That again raised my status to triple delegate. There was only one thing left to stamp my NAM delegate status. It bordered on using the Entebbe Expressway and driving my ka aging Subaru in sport mode. Unlike the other delegates, I was meant to depart for Entebbe then announce my arrival.

Everything went as planned (the journey from Kampala to Entebbe). I was even playing BB King’s tracks (I guessed any NAM delegate would play such music). It was now time for my arrival (Entebbe to Kampala). As I was about to arrive at Busega, I noticed the Subaru stammering in its acceleration. I kept wondering, is this a remote software upgrade? Then boom, the thing came to a halt at the Masanafu change-over. Friends, that is when the clouds darkened for your NAM delegate.

No sooner had I stopped than seven layered men descended on the car. ‘Nani, what are you doing there?’ ‘Wewe tokka gaali..’ My Swahili disappeared. I told them I was a NAM delegate in distress. “Wewe NAM delegate driving himself?” Another followed; “which country are you representing? Where did you get the permit?” I explained that I was among the few chosen ones, in fact, I was a triple delegate representing Nkokonjeru, Naalya and Mityana. “Uko nkokonjeru, NAM delegate anaongea Kiganda? Kijana…”

Now I had not called my gamba n’ogus to wish them a happy new year. This is when I needed them the most. It had been long since I last praised them. I started calling the numbers. Gwe, none of the gamba n’Ogus was picking. Then one of the undercover operatives offered to shift the car to a safer zone. I shifted to the co-driver’s seat. “Kati olaaba Mzee agenda kuyitawano…” He drove the car to a secure side of the road, the one that did not compromise the President’s security. But people, I was a NAM delegate. That was the most important thing. Yet, all these chaps kept forgetting this fact. The people of Naalya had sent me with a fresh petition that they were rebranding from massages to international schools. The people of Nkokonjeru also had issues that ever since Kafeero died, Kyaggwe had not produced a celeb. They wanted me to be the face of Kyaggwe. Then the people of Mityana complained that the road to Banda had never tested tarmac. Then there were female friends that had tasked NAM to explain why birthday make-up always fails.

My gamba n’ogus finally returned the calls. I told them I had survived detention by a whisker. They laughed off. One of them said; “Hati, you should just have given them my number…” Another one joked; “come we take one…” Anyway, I also remembered to call the most important person- the mechanic. His arrival also coincided with a second arrest attempt. I guess this time round the President was getting close. This time a UPDF soldier came by and asked us to move this car. That it was a security hazard. “Subaru ayaaya, Subaru… no no no…” Then he went full throttle on Swahili. It is a trick among Ugandan security, to speak only Swahili. It is a language that intimidates Ugandans.

Little did I know that my mechanic was well-schooled in Swahili. The man opened all kinds of Swahili, the one from Zanzibar, the one from Diani, the one that eats Kienyenji chicken. I was beyond impressed. The UPDF official said, “Kumbe you are one of us…” Yours truly was just smiling in hiccups. The Baganda would say; ‘nga nsekera mu kikonde…” I have thus resolved to fast-track my Swahili lessons. Swahili is what almost arrested me, Swahili is what saved this NAM delegate.

Anyway, the car was towed. And one of the towing operators turned to me and said, “at least gwe olina akayindo… naye kati ffe…” Then along Ntinda, the chain untangled. A man nearby jokes; “kati emotoka telina mafutta musikka nsikke…” mbu instead of buying enough fuel, I have chosen to tow the car. The NAM delegate had departed in a car, and he arrived home on a boda boda. On second thought, it is not Don Quixote to blame, it is the government. Surely, why would a NAM delegate suffer all this embarrassment? After all the happiness that Naalya has spread to the city. In other news, I am hiring new gamba n’Ogus. Looks like 2024 needs more serious ones.

Twitter: ortegatalks