I have not had sex with my husband for one year  

I am a 38-year-old woman and have been married for 12 years. I do not know where to begin but my marriage is going through a bad phase. My husband and I seem to have grown cold toward each other and we have not had any physical relationship for the last one year. Whenever I try to discuss this with him, he tells me he is tired and somehow, he brushes me off. It is really bothering me a lot. What should I do? Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

This is one of the reasons that can lead to chronic stress between couples if not attended to.
It might help to check if there is anything making him withdraw and lose his libido. Let him know how his sexual abstinence is hurting you and that the relationship is essential to you. Maybe this approach will make him get a new perspective on things.
If this does not work, encourage him to openly talk about what is leading to the lack of desire. Sometimes there could be deep underlying problems that are creating the drift. Also, ask him about some of his sexual fantasies and whether he would want to enact them with you. This might enable a discussion between you.

It is also important to remember what used to make things better between the two of you, could anything have changed and you have not noticed? When a couple has lived together for many years as you have, they might reach a stage in which they live as roommates without noticing. What works is by a couple being intentional to do the things that used to turn them on before they got older in love. Other reasons for sexless marriages are resentment in the relationship due to an imbalance of duties, responsibilities (moral, spiritual, and religious), and incompatible ideal, spiritual, moral, and behavioural aspects.

Some chronic marital conflicts can generate a state of permanent hostility that prevents or blocks sexual expression. The partner who behaves in passive-aggressive behaviour is usually the one who blocks sexual intercourse as punishment for some imaginary or real slight received from the other. Partners then feel resentment because of the perceived rejection by the partner who lost interest in sexual communication.

This can result in loneliness, anger, and self-esteem lowering are normal reactions by a person feeling their sexual human needs frustrated by voluntary rejection from a partner. Find a marriage counsellor to help you and your husband to talk about this challenge in a non-judgmental way. A professional will enable you to discuss the intricate issues underlying your sexless marriage. Encourage your partner to go with you for counseling, try not to be critical since this might push him further.

Evelyn Evelyn Kharono Lufafa, Counselling psychologist 

Reader advice

Joseph W Hiire. It is very obvious that he is cheating. On the other hand, there may be something unpleasant he discovered in you whenever you are having sex. Check yourself or you need to visit a counsellor together
Taylor Posha. Just seduce your man. Be sexy and try to look attractive, my dear. Try changing your way of dressing, your hair, smell good every time and be romantic with him. Take good care of him, trust me, men love that.
Esther Oluwakemi.Well my sister, l want you to commit everything into the hands of God. And l strongly believe that God will surely take perfect control there is no impossibility with my God. The Lord will see you through in Jesus name.
Ali Nsanya.This is like a scene from a Nigerian movie “wrong partner”. I will tell you that your husband is having another woman outside. 
Joan Nafula. Dear, sorry for the current situation, but you need to initiate a discussion about it and share about your position as a woman. You should also be ready to listen and understand. If he remains adamant, ask his best friend to talk to him.
Francis Alimani. You have not said what exactly happened between you and your husband. What caused the lack of sexual interest for this long. 
Rose Kyarimpa. My dear, you need to visit a marriage counsellor as a couple. Another thing to consider is that he might be having erectile dysfunction which is sometimes caused by many factors such medical, social and physical conditions.
Ronnie Rupiny P’Sumba. As crazy as it may sound, he could have contracted HIV and just failed to disclose his status to you. Kindly request that you both go for an HIV/Aids test. He might just find the courage to open up to you instead. Take a decision!
Rose Kengonzi. Most likely, he has erection problems. You need to be gentle with him. Additionally, feed him with a lot of watermelon and ground-nuts.
Edward Obed. My beloved sister, marriage is not all about sex. However, it is not good for your husband to stay for such a long period. You have been patient enough, try to hold on with your patience and commit the whole thing to God. Nonetheless, sex can only come in where there is peace and understanding of each other. 
James Odiya. Sorry my dear but be very careful because your husband may be going through a very hard time and need someone to stand by him but not complain. So please, so just think about the twelve years you have been with him and be happy as you help him get out of what he is going through.
Enid Kahubire. It could be your actions, maybe against his family or what you tell him. It could even be your actions against other people or even your demands.
Zaidi Nsingirabye Kasujja. Try to first look for reasons from your side. Could be there is a problem (weakness). Thereafter, you can talk to him.
Patrick Muleme. Put some makeup on your face, put on short dresses, wear nice perfumes. You will see the magic.
Grace Kalyowa Mimie. My dear pray very hard because your marriage is at stake. That man must be getting sexual satisfaction somewhere else and he lost feelings for you.  However, you did not tell us what you did to him. It must have psychologically killed his feelings towards you.
Brian Mugume. He is getting it elsewhere.  A normal man cannot go a week without having sex, unless there are other compelling forces.
Benon Nelson Seninde.  He may have tested HIV positive and is fearing to infect you. 

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