Is it possible for a man to change after two years of separation?

We broke up two years ago. Although I still loved him, I could not handle the disrespect, dishonesty and being taken for granted so I called it quits. Now he wants me back claiming he is a changed man and that he still loves me dearly. Is it possible he changed or is it just another round of being fooled?

Anonymous

Dear anonymous,

Sorry about your situation. Relationships bring us the utmost joy but can also cause pain and stress. As human beings, we are programmed to need other people both for life continuity and for the rest of our lives. Unfortunately, relationships come with no guarantee of happiness.

Every relationship has its ups and downs, which might include bonding issues and differences in the way you relate or do things. For some couples, it takes time to bond and learn to do things that are geared towards pleasing their partner and for some, this might fail, leading to separation. It is only when two adults live together that they start learning each other’s strengths and weaknesses.

I do not know what your partner did that you termed as disrespectful and dishonest. Therefore, I cannot advise you to rekindle the relationship or quit for good. However, I can tell you what to take into consideration while making your decision and offer insight in terms of what you can expect.

 After the pain of a breakup, you might be wondering what has made your ex come back. Sometimes, an ex comes back when enough time has been allowed to pass to make them put things into perspective and realise that they do not want to live without their partner. People get scared of commitment or they get blindsided by issues that suddenly do not seem that terrible once you step back and look at it rationally. Your ex could want you back for a variety of reasons and when the time comes, make sure they are able to tell you why.

Since you still love him and he wants you back, it is imperative that you both understand what went wrong, what you want, and how you are going to work towards common goals together. Take time to pinpoint the flaws in the relationship and come up with plausible solutions. This will also help you to determine whether or not you want to take him back.

You can also take advantage of this situation and suggest to your ex that you meet a relationship counsellor, who will give you an avenue to discuss the way forward.

Can you forgive your ex for his bad behaviour? Without genuine forgiveness, your relationship cannot reach its full potential.

Harbouring resentment (whether it is suppressed or obvious for all the world to see) is a time bomb that can damage your relationship in the long run. So, ask yourself this honest question: If my ex shows an effort to make up for what he has done wrong, can I truly forgive them and can I be happy? Do I believe that the problems we were having can be changed?

So, whether the issues leading to the breakup were big or small, it is important to take time to determine whether or not they can be remedied, if you can accept a new relationship, and if you can agree to move forward without holding on to the past.

Reader advice

Can you communicate?

Joan Woods. Getting back with an ex after years apart is possible but you must first be able to talk to that person; not a just sporadic conversation here or there. You need to really be back in touch and create what I like to call an open platform of communication where you feel comfortable to reach out to someone without second guessing yourself. Are you willing and able to tell your ex now how he hurt you in the past and why he should not do it again?

Avoid going back

Denis Miles. Do not go back. The respect is gone from both sides even if you do not realise it, you cannot respect him at all for what he did to you in the past. You are probably considering this option because you have not had therapy to realise that you can be an independent woman without him. Please seek counselling and move on.

Look for proof of change

Judith Muthoni. That is nearly impossible to do. The potential to do to you all the things you mention above is there. It would be a gamble on your part no matter the signs. However, if you are determined to try it, look out forsubtle things that suggest a real effort to change and that he is different. I think nice words would be some of the weakest proof.

Move on

Justus Sebastian. I believe in a strong quote; “you will not see your life change if you always stay doing the same things,” and this applies to several situations in life. Unless there is some real change in him, you will end up in the same bad situation you were in the first time. I think it is best you move on with your life.

He is a bad person

Mary Akol. Never. A bad person is a bad person. You do not know his motives for wanting to get back with you. What if he wants to hurt you even worse this time around? Seek counselling and once you feel good about yourself, you will attract the right man in your life.

Do not be fooled

Brenda Ankunda. Such people do not change, so do not be fooled. It is hard to say that such a man has totally turned over a leaf even if he loves you very much. It will not be long before his old behaviour resurfaces.

It depends on you

Wynee Gee. It is possible but this is best handled on a case by case basis. We cannot generalise. Therefore, it is you and the people who know this man personally who can tell if he has changed.

Remember why you left

Immy Ngabo. Remember the reasons you left him and keep moving.

Evelyn is a counselling psychologist with Sermotherapy Counselling Foundation