Extend an olive branch to your father this Father’s Day

Bella has contempt for men that she refuses to date, and from her admission, she might never marry. “Men are useless,” she says with anger. She bashes men, but when you sit down to chat with her, you discover that she is hurting deeply.  She was emotionally scarred and let hatred and pain control her life.

“He sired many children from multiple women than he was able and willing to take care of. He did not care whether we ate or not. Tuition fees and medical bills are responsibilities that never bothered him. He was a constant burden to our mother.  We are a scattered family because of him. Do not ask me how many we are. I do not know, I do not want to know. I am ashamed to call him my father,” she repeats it with gusto.  

Wednesday, June 21, 2023, will be Father’s Day. I am sure Bella will not be celebrating the “excuse” of a father she has. She would rather pretend the day will go away like a bad dream.

Father’s Day is meant to recognise fathers and celebrate fatherhood, paternal bonds, and the influence of fathers in society.  Bella is not alone. There is a story  of a celebrity princess that went viral, who is not on talking terms with her family including her father. The family is pleading with her to take them back, but she is adamant.  Fathers have made horrendous mistakes that have hurt children and families. The best gift that Bella and others can give their fathers on a day like this, is their total forgiveness. Many men will never come out to admit they were wrong and seek to be forgiven. Nevertheless, children need to forgive their fathers for the following reasons: 

Unforgiveness affects you

 Maybe your father said or did something that hurt you so bad you became bitter. Perhaps you are one of those people who are naturally unforgiving (yes other people are naturally forgiving). You have carried a grudge against him for years and it has festered and become a huge burden you are carrying around.

It was Nelson Mandela who said, “Hating someone is drinking poison and expecting the other person to die from it.” Forgiving your father is to get rid of all the toxicity in your emotions and get freedom. 

Affects your physical health

 Research shows that unforgiveness has impacts beyond the emotional wellbeing. It has physical effects too; high blood pressure, body weakness, heart disease, diabetes, chronic stress, and a weakened immune system.

We all make mistakes

To err is human. Everybody makes mistakes in what we do or say and your father is no exception. When you accept this, you will find reason to forgive him just as you want your children to forgive you when you blow it in your parenting. 

To restore relationship

Relationships break because of unforgiveness. Amanda Rowett, in her article, The Prison of Unforgiveness describes “unforgiveness” as “a state of emotional and mental distress that results from a delayed response in forgiving an offender.” As people harbour resentment, they distance themselves from the people who hurt them, and in the long run, relationships suffer. To forgive is to desire to restore a relationship. Of course, for some relationships, care and caution should be taken to restore them or not have them restored at all. For instance, a father who sexually molested his daughter can be forgiven, but distance must be maintained between him and the victim.  

Hurting people hurt other people

 A person who does not forgive their past hurts will hurt their future relationships. Dr Sandra Wilson in her book, Hurt People Hurt People, says hurting people will often come off as uncaring, distant, arrogant, selfish, easily irritated, grumpy, and uncooperative because they are fearful, stressed, anxious, insecure, and depressed. And if people around you notice these attitudes in you, they will most likely walk away from a close relationship with you because they do not want to be hurt. You do not want to be that person others do not want to relate with.

God tells you to

Christianity, Islam, Hindu and other faiths emphasise forgiveness. Take for instance this verse in the Quran: “And the retribution for an evil act is an evil one like it, but whoever pardons and makes reconciliation –his reward is [due] from Allah. Indeed, He does not like wrongdoers.”  (Quran 42:40). Colossians 3:13 says: “Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

It is a choice

You do not have to “feel” forgiving. You have to purpose it. Your father does not have to come to you with an apology on his lips, a tear in his eye, a hand on his chest, and a repentant voice. But if he did, great! Either way, you have to choose to forgive him. Your happiness should never depend on him except yourself. In forgiving your father, you are taking matters into your hands, and that’s exactly where they belong.     

Empathise with the offender

 Do not deny the feelings of resentment and anger you feel towards him. They are normal. You were hurt. But how about you put yourself in your father’s shoes. Your rich father never gave you pocket money and material things, so you became resentful towards him. What if he feared you would get spoilt? When you empathise, you offer him the positive, which is compassion and understanding. Happy Father’s Day!