What are the issues stressing men?

When I was a child, I used to see my dad take a particular spot on the veranda in the evenings or under a tree shed, in the compound on weekends. He would sit there quietly for hours wanting no interruption or noise.

While I was in secondary school, one of those days, dad never returned to work. He stayed at home.

This did not bother our young minds, until the sitting became one month, then a year then another year, then another, until it became six years. This was early 1992 or thereabout. It was much later that we learnt that he had been retrenched through a government programme, under the World Bank called the Structural Adjustment Programme (SAP).

I do not know how he managed to pull through that dark period of unemployment of his life because he never talked about it to us, for we were too young to understand anything. I can only imagine what mental distress he must have been experiencing then.   

Many men are walking on streets with mental stresses that their families and friends know nothing about. When you see a man talking to himself, and counting his fingers, looking into the sky, seated at a bar alone…he might be going through a lot of challenges.

He needs help depending on the degree of severity. Men go through a lot of psychological challenges that they do not always admit and open up about. 

While women have a bit of a coping mechanism built into their systems, which includes talking about issues (which some call “gossiping”), men are more likely to suffer because culture has taught them not to express pain or they will be looked at as wimpy. So, they bottle their feelings inside.

Henry says, “We are forbidden from crying or showing emotion when we are undergoing the knife read circumcision. And you are telling an 18-year-old all this. How do you think he will act when he is depressed or under mental stress? He will bottle up his feelings and die rather than show his weakness!”

Stress can manifest in undesirable ways such as restlessness, fatigue, muscle aches, headaches, antisocial behaviours such as withdrawal or isolation, anger, obsessive thinking, alcohol and drug abuse, violence and aggression.  

What are the issues pressing men into mental stress and what do we do about them? 

 1. Economic and financial pressures:

Finances are the biggest stressors for me because men are the principal breadwinners for their families, at least in patriarchal settings. For a man to fail to provide for his wife and children will inevitably cause him mental pressure and stress.

Some unemployed men worry about their future. Others are underemployed at jobs that do not provide them with emotional, professional, and personal satisfaction. Others are not sure about their job’s security they worry themselves to sleep. One such guy is John.

He fears for his family: “I am 57 years old and have six children all under 20 years of age. I am stressed with providing for them and fear for their future, if I am not around, God forbid!” 

What do you do?

 Men who do not have jobs need to start small start ups rather than wait for jobs to come by. Also, setting up a financial plan that reflects your personal goals is important. It should include things such a savings and investments plan, an insurance plan, a retirement plan, and a debt management plan, among others. Fred admits that he had no financial plan until Covid-19 hit.

“For the first time in my eight working years, saving and investing began to make sense. I suffered so much that I returned to the village to live with my mother. I have since learnt my lesson. I now save 20 percent of my income monthly. It is not much, but at least I have something to fall back on, if times like Covid-19 come back.”    

2. Health issues: 

Stress related to health problems are common among men. Maybe they are aging and have an illness or are working overtime, with little rest. They are stressed, especially those in a labour-intensive industry such as manufacturing. Some no longer perform in the bedroom. Various reasons can cause men mental stress issues.

And lately, DNA testing has caused some men to lose their minds. For Sam, a 45-year-old man, “I am worried about prostate issues. My father had those issues and I fear I might have them. I dare not go for testing because I would surely be crushed if I discovered I have it. Ignorance is bliss at this time.”   

What do you do?

Men need to look after their health. Eat well, exercise, and relax. Many men will wait until they are down with a disease to go to a doctor but regular checkups can help them keep tabs on their health.   

3. Relationships:

Men are stressed by relationships with family and friends either at home or at work. Justus who has four “wives” and 15 children, is always stressed by the wars between his women and their children, “It is draining emotionally and materially. You are always putting out fires and paying people to stay in their lane. One family hates the other they would go for each other’s throats if you let them. Maybe polygamy was not such a good idea, after all.”

Other men are stressed out because they are taking too long to get into marriage relationships. This used to be a worry for women beyond a certain age. Joab is such a guy; “I am 40 years old and it worries me that I do not yet have a wife and children. I dread to think that I will still be paying school fees in my late 60s, when everybody else has retired.”

What to do?

Men need other trusted men they can lean on and express their fears and feelings. Men need these safe spaces, so they can express how they feel. It is therapeutic and refreshing.

4. The Rat Race:

Men are competitive by nature. They like to be ahead and on top personally and professionally. Men can be occupied trying to achieve so many things in life at the same time. School, work, marriage, parenting, social life…obtaining a healthy balance between all these competing activities can be difficult to have, let alone maintain.

What do you do?

Make a priority list and cut out activities that bring in little or no value to you. Prioritise only what is important for a time. Activities such as spending time with your family should be high on that list.      

Mr Grace Bikumbi, a clinical psychologist at Butabika National Referral Hospital says, stress can motivate you to get things done. However, too much stress can be dangerous to our mental health. Talk to your doctor, if you feel down or anxious for more than several weeks or if it starts to interfere with your home or work life.”

Talk to a trusted

Person

Seek help

 Stress can manifest in undesirable ways such as restlessness, fatigue, muscle aches, headaches, antisocial behaviours such as withdrawal or isolation, anger, obsessive thinking, alcohol and drug abuse, violence and aggression.