When you notice emotional abuse

Emotional abuse may present in romantic relationships as harassment, intimidation, forceful cutoff of friends and family, public humiliations, extreme verbal displays of anger(name calling and the like) and it is sometimes as worse as coercion (being forced by one’s partner to do things unacceptable to their faith, culture, beliefs or boundaries). Narcissists, psychopaths, and sadists may be drawn to emotional abuse because of the pleasure they take in having power over others or seeing them suffer.

Guilt-tripping

Sauda Murungi, a teacher, says when someone makes you feel guilty of something they did wrong, for example,  they  cheat  and they tell you that you are the reason they did so.

 They do not want to end the relationship, but because of your flaws, they were forced to do what they did. This can lead to epic trauma, especially if someone does not love themselves enough. It also manifests when someone makes you think that they are the only ones that can ever love you or do certain things for you. One with low self-esteem can actually believe these things and stay in a relationship where they are constantly belittled.

Abuse of power

Fofo Alphonsine, a mother, believes emotional abuse is the use of power and control to overpower another individual in order to obtain an outcome that benefits them and hurts the other.

It can be intimidation, bullying, name calling, slamming doors, physical violence and other behaviour which can cause harm. The victims mostly withdraw into silence, sulking, pouting, and using sarcastic responses.

Manuel Nyero, businessman, says some things are natural and gives an example of a woman who got post-pregnancy weight. So, now her husband who is attracted to petite women starts giving reference to her smaller size and says he liked her better that way. However polite he may put it, it emotionally drains his wife because she has no control over the weight she has gained and she starts feeling unwanted because of her looks. So, every day she goes through her phone, admiring her petite self saying: ‘if I had remained that size, my husband would have loved me better’.

Every night she tries to make romantic advances towards her husband, he seems disinterested. Her romantic life is gone, marriage seems like it is a bed of thorns.  This is emotionally damaging.

Gas lighting and control

Leonard Masauli, a writer , says when someone keeps denying or distorting reality, it makes one feel confused and questioning their thoughts and feelings. Like when someone repeatedly insists that certain events did not happen or that you are  overreacting to situations, causing  you to feel like you are  losing touch with reality. Over time, it can lead to insecurity, anxiety, and one constantly dependent on the abuser for validation and guidance.

Abuse presents when  someone wants to control the other’s finances, monitor their communication with others, or dictates their daily activities. For instance, the abuser might limit the victim’s access to money, preventing them from making independent choices or leaving the relationship. Control can also involve isolating the victim from friends and family, making them dependent on the abuser for social interaction and support. Ultimately, control undermines the victim’s autonomy  leaving them feeling trapped and powerless in the relationship.

Counter abuse

Even when you want to help, it is often difficult for abusive people to change their behaviour without professional support. You can encourage them to work with a therapist, but they have to make the choice themselves. However, there are things one can do to counter emotional abuse.

Avoid self-blame

When you are abused for a long period of time, you end up believing you are the problem. Accept and understand that you are not the problem, no matter what you have said or done.  Milly Nassolo, a lawyer, women and children activist, says a person who is bad does not need induction to do the things they do, so they could have hurt you anyway if you had done nothing.

“Constantly have conversation on how you feel mentally with your partner culminating from the way they are treating you. If they do not show signs of change, show them your willingness to leave the relationship.”

Prioritise your needs

Taking care of your physical and emotional needs can help you move forward to a place where you feel comfortable setting boundaries, reaching out for support, and leaving the abusive situation.

Set personal boundaries and build network

Nassolo believes every person has own character .

“Set boundaries as regards to your mental health and do not go for a relationship that goes against them,” she says. 

According to Healthline, one can also decide how they will avoid responding to manipulation or getting pulled into arguments. Express those limits to the person using abuse tactics and stick to them. You might say, for example, “If you call me names, I’ll go home,” or, “If you start teasing me in public, I’ll leave.”

It might feel frightening to open up about what you have experienced (due to our traditional setting), but reaching out to loved ones and a supportive therapist can go a long way toward helping you get the support you need to heal.

Communication and awareness

These go hand in hand in a bid to prevent emotional abuse.

Nassolo says being intentional on how a couple treats each other, respecting boundaries and knowing that everyone is different can go a long way.

This may have to start at the beginning of a relationship, talking to each other about emotional abuse and learning where each of you stand on the subject. This can help you have an informed decision on your next step.

Exit  the relationship

State clearly that the relationship is over and cut all ties, if possible. Block their number and social media accounts, and ignore attempts to reach out. Make sure you give yourself time to heal. Take space to focus on your needs and recovery. This might involve rediscovering your sense of self, creating a new self-care routine, and talking with a therapist who can offer guidance with recovery.

When you are married…

However much it is easy to walk out of a relationship, it is not the same as marriage. Before you even think of exiting your marriage, try to work on it somehow.

Milly Nassolo, a lawyer, women and children activist, advises couples to communicate regularly, talk about how one feels and how one would wish to be treated and vice versa. It is also important to see a therapist to see the level of damage and get help.

Pray about it

Prayer will not only help bring you to a place of comfort with God, but will also help change your partner. Pray with your partner as well about your issues.

It is common for us not to disclose what is happening in our life but you need to speak to someone and do not die in silence. Find someone trustworthy that will help you find solutions.