Satire: A hater switched off power as Umeme received Jinja City top performer award

Something happened last week. Usually telling stories just reels off my tongue – sorry, keyboard – like FDC infighting. But this one was difficult to take in, even more difficult to tell you. Still, let me try.

A friend called Kunya – and this is a real name although it might sound like earthworms to you – had some gossip to share. He said one of the Umeme bosses in Jinja had a morning to forget when his wife awoke him for work.

“Bad glory?” I asked.

“No, he grabbed a towel, his two phones and jumped into the wardrobe,” Kunya said.

At this, my curiosity was piqued. Kunya, though, wanted a drink. He stopped talking at that point, having fully drawn my attention. That is a point of no-return, sujui climax…where Kunya had precariously clipped me.
I ordered his beer and asked for my Dew. He sipped and wiped the corners of his mouth with the back of his hand and triumphantly chuckled.

“His wife first ran out of the bedroom screaming thinking the man was fleeing from something scarier than seeing Golola Moses when you look into a mirror,” Kunya continued.
“Had to be a snake, surely.”

“Nope. The bulb was on and seeing the light, Joe feared he had spent the night at his side-dish’s home and that she was waking him up to tell him that her hubby was coming.”

Apparently, whenever power went off at Eseza’s rented home in Bugembe, she would call Joe and the power man would promptly dispatch his boys to work. But Joe wasn’t as dutiful with his own home where he would often go without power for a day or more like everyone else but Eseza in Jinja City.
“Waking up to lit bulbs really freaked him out,” Kunya said.

If the earth worm in human form wasn’t making things up, then what happened next was like a true lie but I was there firsthand and I don’t drink or do drugs. The only thing that can take away my attention when at work is cleavage but women have long moved on from that and their push-up bras are just for comfort.

Authorities in Jinja City were launching the new financial year when they started awarding the best performing entities of the past 12 months. All was well until Umeme was announced as the top performer, beating a telecom and some water thing.

Suddenly, the auditorium was plunged into total darkness. After like 15 minutes of modern tadobas, aka phone torches, flashing all over, power was restored.  I don’t know if this makes sense but how could the generator operator connive to have stepped out at the very moment? We had to search for the man everywhere.

There was definitely foul play here. A hater did that. Some said Nandala and Ssemujju were to blame, that they were arguing too loudly for the turbines at the Nile to handle the rumblings.

This was pure sabotage. Some chaps allege that power cut in Jinja is more frequent than the sighting of sugarcane trucks in Busoga.

But Umeme is not a charity that it should begin its work at home. Being the source, there is simply too much juice voltage in the cables that we have to be very careful lest we burn homes.

This is why Umeme has to keep cutting off power for the safety of all. If in doubt, try to imagine a dam burst.

The gush of water would be deadlier at the source than somewhere in Patongo toward Koboko.
Safety-first is a good thing by Umeme in Jinja City.

Disclaimer: This is a parody column