Satire: Match fixers plot to fix Fufa’s cash rewards

Fufa is in a fix. Forget the pun, intended or not. The suited men in Mengo are scratching their heads bald trying to fix match fixing in local football, but they are themselves in a fix because match fixers are now plotting to fix Fufa’s solution instead.

At the 26th Fufa Executive Committee last week, the football honchos passed a new policy of reward and protection of whistleblowers during investigations of cases of match fixing. They staked Shs1m to be paid to any person that provides information that is proven to be correct and useful in determining cases of match fixing.

But match fixers do not sleep. They have now gone straight into that too. They intend to fix whistleblowers to give the accurate information to Fufa. Then when the federation rewards the whistleblower the money goes straight into the fixer’s accounts.

As you read this, my personal accountant is at Fufa to claim the Shs1m bounty because I have blown a strong whistle on these fixers’ plot to fix Fufa. If Magogo is reading this, he shouldn’t wait until he reads in the papers that suspected match fixers had come to blows over who deserved the Fufa reward after several of them attempted to claim the same jackpot.

For the benefit of any doubts, I’m not a match fixer but a good whistleblower. I just know how things work.

Every matchday, a fixer is at work. They offer players, coaches, refs and other parties measly cash in exchange for manipulating results.

Give a player Shs200,000 here and a ref Shs300,000 there. Next, ask that they ensure a team concedes two goals inside first half. And maybe a red card added to the drama. Then the fixer takes the aim by staking big money on the outcomes as already paid for.

Say Shs20m on Gasiya FC conceding two more goals against Kafuuko United inside first half and that one of Gasiya players would be sent off too. And when that happens, the fixer reaps such big dirty reward that Acholi MPs would be contemplating abandoning burial cash for match fixing.

The other day a serial match fixer nailed the equivalent of a government burial budget in just one swell bet.

Fufa has always been aware of this cancer called match fixing but to act, they need evidence. Sure evidence. Yes, the law is such an ass. The other day, the chaps in Mengo grabbed this chap called Luzzi who doesn’t want to lose. They slapped Luzzi and his two accomplices with bans.

The Fufa chaps argue that one of the biggest reasons players are susceptible to bribes is that they are in some kind of desperate financial need.

Now, with the reward of Shs1m, the match fixers have two options. First, they must offer their accomplices more than the Shs1m Fufa has staked. Of course, for Okello to pass the chance of picking clean Shs1m from Fufa, a Luzzi must offer them five to 10 times more.

The thing is that match fixers are misers. There is this big club whose players were taking as low as Shs200,000 to manipulate results. And it is because these guys are misers and do not like losing that they will jump for option two instead.

That option is that of the whistleblower bounty Fufa has dangled at the end of their fishing rod.
Anyway, methinks Fufa are just wasting their millions. In an error (pun fully intended) where politicians are proud to appoint their kin into public office, why are these football honchos making so much noise about this match fixing thing?

Like we have decided to ignore all the other rots in society, it is as well that we looked aside. Match fixing will fix itself when there are too many fixers that offering Shs10k to a player looks like such an expensive risk because another will offer more and then another and another…

Now Magogo, my Shs1m for this whistle-blower report, please.