Before that knot, ask the tough questions

Well, you have moved past knowing your partner’s favourite dish or the necktie they prefer wearing on Mondays.
You have probably met some of their friends, and family, and are moving towards a future together, surely knowing it is just a matter of time before you take that big step. However, have the two of you sat down and asked yourselves or discussed about some of the very important questions that at some point in your marriage can become deal breakers?
You may run away, or refuse to tread on that ground for a while, however, questions about; children, family and finances are some that will catch up with you.

Finances and property
“Thirteen years ago, before I married my wife; she asked me how much I earned.
Of course I told her an amount less than what I actually earned because I was that man who never opened up about money,” Brian Kwizera, a businessman, says.
Before long, he says none of them could look in the other’s account. “My money was mine, and her money, hers. She also did not know any of my assets (land) because I bought them on my own… This broke us,” he says.
“About two years ago, at a point when my marriage was a wreck, I undertook a couple of counselling sessions; at first alone, and later with my wife, and that was when we started talking about things we would have talked about before we got married,” Kwizera explains. The two opened up about their finances and later opened up a joint account, which is a pool of all their income, after which, they plan for together.

Family
Many people feel family is a topic that does not require outside interference as Sylvia Najuuko, who has been married for two years, first experienced in her marriage. “I always felt that my husband – boyfriend then, was too involved in taking care of his relatives - he is the most generous person I know. Even when we are at our lowest in finances he will still give,” Najuuko says. This prompted her to consider seriously how far she wanted him to help when they got married, the only hiccup being how to approach the issue without being misunderstood. “Would he call me the selfish girlfriend who does not care about his family? So I stayed away from it, and this only brewed more conflict. We literally argued about money all the time,” she says.
The situation was thus, until she gathered the courage to address it. By the time the two got married they had agreed to share costs in helping the relatives and what issues they would come in.

Children
Francis and Molly agreed before marriage that they would have two children regardless of their sex. Unlike most couples who pull ropes later in the marriage with disagreements over the number of children, they were clear about what they wanted.
In addition to the number, couples need to plan on how to raise children their partners find them with. And in the event that they cannot have biological children, how do they handle that?
“I gave birth to my firstborn during my Senior Six vacation, so when I got a suitor, I told him on our first date that I had an 11-year-old daughter. He fortunately wanted us to raise her together when we eventually got married – but my part now is paying school fees for her. So, opening up to those truths is one of the ways to tell when someone is willing to take it further with you,” Victoria Kukiriza Odoi, who has been married for five years, says.

You must ask
Timothy Wekesa, a marriage counsellor at Focus Life Church, Mutundwe, says. “You are two different people with different priorities trying to forge a unity. Imagine a situation where the man does not want to have children, yet the woman wants – that is something to establish beforehand. Or, where a woman wants to continue working after they have had babies, yet the man does not wants her to – you should be sure you have a common ground because these are all priority areas in a relationship,” Wekesa says.
Therefore, lay your priorities straight; tackle the deal breakers before it is too late.